Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 15 – Tuesday 18th August

Funny Money

An old friend, whom I have known since primary school, came along to see the show tonight. I have known this guy since I was ten years old and although we were never particularly close it was very nice to see him at the show and to have a chat with him afterwards.

old school


I like to delude myself that I am not really one for doing the whole looking back thing and tell myself, if there was ever a school reunion I would probably not go anywhere near it, as I presume they would ignore me now, just as they ignored me way back when.

But that’s utter bollocks!

It’s always fascinating to catch up because, being a nosey bastard, I always want to know other peoples stories and to compare them to mine, because, I always wonder if my life has been a success.

mr nosey




If my life is a success then I suppose it’s measured in relative terms.

My old school friend works for a wealth management company! He is part of an organisation that manages the money of very rich people.

rich man

I asked him about the possibility of becoming a client.

He asked me seriously, If, I had 20 million pounds sterling in the bank, saying that they wouldn’t consider anybody with any less than that!




I said I was well on my way to making that sort of money, however, at the moment I am 19 Million, 999 thousand and 600 pounds short (£19,999,600) and even that 400 quid is earmarked for things like the repayment of the loan for my divorce, my mobile phone bill and sky TV.

However, I added, holding up and shaking the bucket “there must be at least fifty-four quid in here!”

He listened, nodding empathetically, then after a short pause said “maybe we could get together again in another 37 years, that should give you enough time to save up the rest!”

Cheeky fucker, I will take my 54 quid elsewhere!

And I did! I had to spend it on diesel on the way home.

Drat! Foiled again!

Lost in Translation

The show tonight was also attended by a large group from New York City!

new york

I love Americans and they are fairly easy to perform for as the language and references are easily understood by everyone given they are the dominant culture in The English speaking world.



Occasionally, however, I’m compelled to translate words such as, Jobby or Bawbag (which doesn’t really have a direct literal translation), but it’s never normally a problem.

The Fringe however attracts everybody and sometimes you get people coming in who are not good English speakers and that’s an issue as, being Scottish, I am not a great English speaker either!

confused audience






And I wasn’t alway’s a big hitter at The Fringe, it takes time to build up an audince.

Years ago, when low fringe audiences were the norm for me, I got Two people!

That’s not the lowest fringe audience I ever heard about. The wonderful Irish comedian and good friend, Kevin Gildea once performed a fringe show to an audience of One man!

audience of one






Anyway back to my two.

One of the men was Spanish and the other fellow was Portuguese

Now it transpired that The Spanish guy didn’t speak any English at all but The Portuguese guy was multi lingual, he spoke English and Spanish as well as his native tongue.

At least Kevin’s one man audience was an English Speaker

I was in trouble here, so the Portuguese guy suggested I tell the joke to him and he would translate and tell the Spanish guy.

A brilliant Plan, so we ploughed on.

I told the joke to the Portuguese guy, as follows:

“Two men walked into a bar, blah, blah!”

two men bar






The Portuguese guy looked back at me with a completely stony expression, sighed deeply, shrugged his shoulders, then turned to his friend and said:

“Dos senora’s entrar uno Bodega, etcetera, etcetera!”






When he finished the joke, the Spanish guy pissed himself laughing!

This is how the show progressed.

I would tell the joke, the Portuguese guy, singularly unimpressed would turn to the Spanish guy, tell him the joke and Spanish Guy would laugh, he was having a great time.

spanish laughing





I think I may have split the room.

But I enjoyed it immensely as well so two out of three ain’t bad.


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