Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 20 – Sunday 23rd August

There’s a big wide world out there

Sometimes you forget that there’s more to life than The Fringe, right at this precise moment I cannot for the life of me imagine what can be more important, but I’m sure there must be something!

the world





When you are in Edinburgh for The Fringe you are in an alien world inhabited by artists, actors and performers of every conceivable type who will make you gasp, laugh and cry whilst day trippers and tourists run the gauntlet of people giving out a hundred million flyers.

I then get back home and realise I have completely neglected the house.

Despite what I say in my show (beware, some of it might be utter bullshit) I’m sometimes compelled to keep the old homestead tidy by occasionally cutting the grass but unfortunately, owing to my Fringe commitments and being a lazy bastard, I haven’t bothered my arse.

a jungle




It’s a fucking jungle out there!




The Health Kick

loads of food





With all of the delicacies on offer in Edinburgh such as Nepalese Curries, French Hot Dogs, Japanese Bento Boxes and the dinners served at Auld Jocks Pie Shoppe, Myself and Her Indoors aren’t getting any thinner.

a fat belly






So, she’s gone and ordered a Treadmill!

“Where the fuck are we going to put it?”

“In the Garage” she replied

“But the Garage is jammed with crap”

garage jammed with crap2






Oh Bollocks, as usual I stood my ground and so, on top of cutting the grass I have to hire a skip and clear out the garage, what a pain in the arse!

My work / life balance hasn’t been this out of kilter since 2003 when I had a full time job!

I have a feeling my old mother will be getting a call, who, despite her advanced age and infirmity, can still graft like fuck!

Massive in Stenhousemuir

The show on Sunday night was a good show, plenty of improvised pieces and a third return visit from The Stenny FC supporters club who, unusually for a Sunday, helped to fill the room and that’s a nice bonus!






One chap who didn’t get in posted the following on Facebook:

Were too late getting to the Raymond Mearns show at the Beehive. Feeling depressed, cause the only thing we can hear is fits of laughter coming from the 2nd floor.

High Praise indeed!

The audience this evening included a family in from Ipswich, comprising Mum and Dad and their four kids aged 21, 18, 17 and 13!

Now, I have done Panto and I regularly do kids shows but this is different, this is my full blown Edinburgh Fringe show and I don’t often pull my punches.

There’s something inherently pathetic, yet hilariously funny, about starting off your show and saying very sheepishly “I erm, tend to explore some adult themes you know, from time to time”

explicit content



And, graphic content warning delivered, launched into my schtick.


What a show. The funniest moment though, was when everyone was leaving and the 13 year old was overheard saying to her Dad “What does Jailbait mean?”






I enjoyed the show tonight but I’m not proud of myself!

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 19 – Saturday 22nd August


After the show tonight we had a couple of drinks in the Beehive Inn with a friend and his missus!

having drinks






As I was coming back from the bar, a guy, who was a wee bit older than me, looked at me, pointed and said “Hey it’s you! I recognise you from the radio!”

Recognised from the Radio!

listening to radio








I hadn’t even opened my mouth, this is sensational, surely it’s confirmation, if any were needed, that I must be getting famous.

You can recognise me on the radio as well by listening to the second episode of “Des Clarke Exposed” on the BBC iplayer.

It’s a brilliant comedy show mixing stand-up and sketches.

Here’s the link:


des exposed





Eight Legs or Sixteen Legs?

It was a typical weekend at The Fringe with more people turning up to the show than could actually get in to see it and Her Indoors, as usual, handled the situation perfectly.

crowd trying to get in





On Friday night, a group of eight men turned up about ten minutes after the show had started and, as it was full, had no chance of getting in.

They had been drinking and started to get a bit arsey, saying it was a free show and they were coming in to see it and she couldn’t stop them, blah, blah, blah!

pissed up angry blokes





There was a bit of an argument but Her Indoors despatched them firmly and courteously.

During the day on Saturday there was a big spider on the wall at home, I don’t really have a fear of spiders but Her Indoors is terrified of them, so I got up from the chair, grabbed the spider and put it out the window, much to the relief of my good lady.

Skinny house spider

It was then she posted the following on Facebook:

I had to turn away at least 30 people at the Mr’s gig last night, 8 of whom were a group of guys who didn’t want to leave. This morning he’s laughing as he puts a spider out the window because I’m a fearty! He says “You’d rather face 8 guys than a teeny wee spider” ……”Aye!”

Would I rather remove one wee spider or confront eight pissed up angry blokes? Now let me see.

Mathematically at the very least it’s a No Brainer, a spider only has eight legs and eight blokes have sixteen legs and the eight blokes were pissed and argumentative whereas the spider was sober, well I presume it was sober as it was around lunchtime, unless the spider was a day drinker.

drunk spider






And, it’s clearly, a sign of the times we live in when the comments and discussion following the status update are all about spiders instead of battling with eight pissed up angry blokes.

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 18 – Friday 21st August

Nobody bats an Eye

It never occurred to me until today that Edinburgh is full to bursting with every conceivable freak and weirdo and what’s brilliant about this? Nobody bats an eye!

bare chested clown

Bare chested clowns with no shoes on, walk up and down occasionally poking complete strangers on the bum and we all smile thinking, Oh it’s just a half naked clown touching someone up, that’s Edinburgh!

Imagine if it happened in the St Enoch Centre in Glasgow! The jails would be full to bursting or the mortuary!

I was handing out some flyers when a man carrying a twelve foot cross (I suspect it was a religious thing) just walked past me and all I could think was: “There’s a guy carrying a twelve foot cross, that looks cumbersome”

man with cross






at that precise moment however, I was distracted by a guy juggling chainsaws on a unicycle!

chainsaw unicycle




I watched that for a few moments, shrugged my shoulders and then just carried on flyering.



The Pitch

flyerers 1






When you’re handing out flyers you have to engage with your potential audience and one or two performers have asked me about what to say when approaching people at first.

I use a number of lines depending on how I think they may be received.

Here they are:

If it’s a couple: “Hello there sir, can I lure you and your lovely wife in, to see me show?”

Or, if it’s a group of girls: “Hello there girls can I lure you into a wee room to talk dirty to you?”

flyering 2

Sometimes, depending upon how they’re dressed, I might say:

“You look like discerning cultured types, would I be right?”

If they say no, I reply

“Great! Then come and see this, it’s an hour of pure filth!”

Or, if they say yes (they’re probably complete wankers), I reply

“That’s a shame, because this is just Filth!”

wankers club





As the show is called “Growing Old Disgracefully” I often pitch to people who are in the same age range as me (nobody under 25) as I suspect they may be more able to identify with my material.

Couples, especially, are always prime targets.

flyering 1

I may approach them with something like:

“Hello you two lovebirds, are you interested in some essential relationship advice?”

This peaks the interest of the girl who is always the main decision maker in these cases.

I then sell the show to her on the very real premise that I am divorced / useless boyfriend material and that her man will benefit from watching my show.

I know these lines all sound cheesy but IT WORKS!

However, when all said and done, it’s about the energy you are giving out and how you say the words.

Be positive, maintain eye contact and Smile!

To paraphrase Al Capone, “You will go a lot further with a flyer and a smile than with just a flyer alone!”

al capone



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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 17 – Thursday 20th August

Finding your voice

It’s now well into the third week of The Fringe and some of my fellow comedians are starting to have sore throats.

sore throat






It’s common amongst entertainers at The Fringe to experience this as they do multiple shows each and every day for about four weeks fitted around a debauched and drunken lifestyle where the adrenaline normally drives all night bevvy sessions!

drinking session






I used to experience voice problems where my vocal chords would completely sieze up and I would be unable to let out not much more than a whisper.

Crackpot curecrackpot cures such as Slippery Elm Leaves and Liquorice Root just don’t work and if your vocal chords have seized then gargling salt water is pointless as you run the risk of drowning.



I went to see doctors and speech therapists at the hospital and they told me my vocal style and lifestyle choices were only part of my problem but the real issue was anxiety!

Fuck off, what have I got be anxious about?

In reality, quite a lot!


Stand-up comedy can be tough, not simply because when you go on stage you run the risk of dying on your arse but also because I am self-employed, I have no sick pay or holiday pay and if I cannot work then I cannot earn!


That’s pressure!

Especially if you sometimes don’t feel very funny or you lose your mojo from time to time.

And it can happen!

Mostly, when it does happen, it’s down to fear, fear of failure!


Sometimes this can be a good motivator as you are so shit scared you go onstage and rip the place up, at other times, however, you go onstage and you are so full of fear it manifests itself as pure aggression!










When this happens you’re doomed.

You’re on-stage and you’re saying all the same words and doing all the same routines that normally work for you, but the vibe is all wrong, your inflection is off!

And when this happens the audience simply look at you and ask themselves what’s this fuckin’ nutter’s problem?

This happened to me once on a cruise ship in the Adriatic.

Dying on your Arse (Again)

There I was, being paid £800 per week to do two x 30 minute shows on a floating five star hotel and everything was on the house. I was in heaven and I remember thinking at the time “This is the life, stick in here and don’t fuck this up!”

rolling in it





But, that’s exactly what I did do, I made a complete arse of it!

I died on my chuff and that’s bad enough but when you die on a cruise ship you can’t get off the boat!

Then there’s the passengers. They have absolutely no problem whatever in coming up to you the next day and telling you how shite you are and saying you ruined their holiday!

angry mob





It got so bad and embarrassing on that particular trip, that I locked myself in my cabin and only ventured out at 4 o’clock in the morning to forage for food like a fox!

fox in bin





The Sore Throat Cure

It’s not just comedians and actors who get voice problems it’s also teachers and anyone else who has to speak for a living and the biggest obstacle is getting them to accept that anxiety is in fact part of the problem.

Most people won’t admit they are anxious, they look upon that admission as a weakness or some sort of failure.

But whether you admit it or not the key to avoiding excessive voice problems is to relax!








And if you do have a sore throat try to keep it moist using steam, from a warm drink or bowl of hot water, but be careful not to burn yourself. You may also want to think about buying a facial steamer, they work very well.







Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth and try not to get stressed over it, as this will only make things worse, the breathing will also help you to relax.

And, when you do have to speak, breathe in before making any sound as this will stop your voice breaking.

Finally sleep and take a nap as often as you can and this will help to rest both you and your voice.

have a nap

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 16 – Wednesday 19th August

The Edinburgh Diet

Some performers say they lose weight during the Fringe due to the long days which consist of performing at various shows, flyering and walking around the centre of the city which is all hills.

lose weight

I cannot personally identify with that because I eat and drink too much of the wrong types of things and at the wrong times.

Edinburgh Chip shops in particular are immense and I am powerless against them.

The Clam Shell on The Royal Mile is more than a chippy, it’s doesn’t just sell food it sells weapons of mass destruction!







You can buy a thing in there called a “Wolfdog!”


A “Wolfdog” is a large hotdog. It seems to have a higher meat content than your average large hotdog and tastes good but what they do at the clamshell is, inject this thing with cheese, wrap bacon all around it and serve it with a large portion of chips, a perfectly healthy end to the day after you have consumed six pints of lager.


The French / Scottish fusion take-away van on the Grassmarket has taken a leaf out of the Clamshell’s book by concocting “The French Hotdog”.

french conncetion






It is two hotdogs in a toasted French baguette topped with onions, melted cheese and sweet chilli sauce.

french hot dog





It’s delicious but impossible to eat as you end up wearing most it and apart from the Baguette, what exactly makes this a French Hotdog? I bet you couldn’t buy this anywhere in France!

My all time favourite take-away food however, in an Edinburgh Chippy, is a “Haggis Supper! (Haggis and Chips)

You can’t really get the same thing in Glasgow.

In Glasgow when you order a Haggis Supper you get a long haggis pudding (similar to a black pudding – shown below on the left) and chips but in Edinburgh they serve a half bung end, which is a full haggis cut into two, dipped in batter and deep fried (shown below on the right).

glasgow haggis

edinburgh haggis






The Edinburgh haggis is a lot better as it’s softer, the Glasgow haggis tends to go rock hard very quickly if it’s left on the heated shelf for any length of time, whereas the Edinburgh Haggis seems to be much more resilient.

In Edinburgh, it’s served with chips, then, it’s covered in salt and sauce.

Now that’s also the fundamental difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh!

And, as a Glasgow man, I feel like a traitor to my kind because I prefer my chips drizzled, Edinburgh fashion!

In Glasgow you get salt and vinegar on chips but in Edinburgh you get salt and sauce (my mouth is watering as a type this), the sauce in Edinburgh is brown sauce watered down with vinegar so you get more bang for your buck, and it’s really thin and runny so don’t eat before a show unless you have a change of clothes.

Is it any wonder I’m a fat bastard?

The Glass Cheque is no more


AG Barr, the company responsible for Irn Bru has announced that there will no longer be a 30p deposit refunded when returning a glass bottle to the shop!

irn bru






In a world of falling oil prices, this further weakens the Scottish Economy and given that my garage is full of empty Irn Bru bottles significantly reduces the value of my pension pot!

pallet of bottles







When I heard the news at first I was very concerned for obvious reasons but thankfully when details emerged it will be phased in so be advised people that you have until the end of the year to gather these valuable assets together and arrange a cash transfer through your financial adviser or local shop.


This process known, in financial circles, as “Gingey Mooching” will be consigned to History in 2016 and, looking back on recent changes to the regulatory framework, it seems inevitable that Gingey Mooching’s days were numbered when the cost of carrier bags was set at 5p

carrier bag


The Humble carrier bag is an essential element in the process of Mooching as they’re used to transport the Gingey’s or Glass Cheque’s to the shop and with each carrier bag now costing 5p this applies addition cost pressure to the already significant risk of being caught in the act and having to suffer the shame and indignity of forever being branded a “Gingey Moocher!”



In the immortal words of Bob Dylan “The Times they are a changin'”

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 15 – Tuesday 18th August

Funny Money

An old friend, whom I have known since primary school, came along to see the show tonight. I have known this guy since I was ten years old and although we were never particularly close it was very nice to see him at the show and to have a chat with him afterwards.

old school


I like to delude myself that I am not really one for doing the whole looking back thing and tell myself, if there was ever a school reunion I would probably not go anywhere near it, as I presume they would ignore me now, just as they ignored me way back when.

But that’s utter bollocks!

It’s always fascinating to catch up because, being a nosey bastard, I always want to know other peoples stories and to compare them to mine, because, I always wonder if my life has been a success.

mr nosey




If my life is a success then I suppose it’s measured in relative terms.

My old school friend works for a wealth management company! He is part of an organisation that manages the money of very rich people.

rich man

I asked him about the possibility of becoming a client.

He asked me seriously, If, I had 20 million pounds sterling in the bank, saying that they wouldn’t consider anybody with any less than that!




I said I was well on my way to making that sort of money, however, at the moment I am 19 Million, 999 thousand and 600 pounds short (£19,999,600) and even that 400 quid is earmarked for things like the repayment of the loan for my divorce, my mobile phone bill and sky TV.

However, I added, holding up and shaking the bucket “there must be at least fifty-four quid in here!”

He listened, nodding empathetically, then after a short pause said “maybe we could get together again in another 37 years, that should give you enough time to save up the rest!”

Cheeky fucker, I will take my 54 quid elsewhere!

And I did! I had to spend it on diesel on the way home.

Drat! Foiled again!

Lost in Translation

The show tonight was also attended by a large group from New York City!

new york

I love Americans and they are fairly easy to perform for as the language and references are easily understood by everyone given they are the dominant culture in The English speaking world.



Occasionally, however, I’m compelled to translate words such as, Jobby or Bawbag (which doesn’t really have a direct literal translation), but it’s never normally a problem.

The Fringe however attracts everybody and sometimes you get people coming in who are not good English speakers and that’s an issue as, being Scottish, I am not a great English speaker either!

confused audience






And I wasn’t alway’s a big hitter at The Fringe, it takes time to build up an audince.

Years ago, when low fringe audiences were the norm for me, I got Two people!

That’s not the lowest fringe audience I ever heard about. The wonderful Irish comedian and good friend, Kevin Gildea once performed a fringe show to an audience of One man!

audience of one






Anyway back to my two.

One of the men was Spanish and the other fellow was Portuguese

Now it transpired that The Spanish guy didn’t speak any English at all but The Portuguese guy was multi lingual, he spoke English and Spanish as well as his native tongue.

At least Kevin’s one man audience was an English Speaker

I was in trouble here, so the Portuguese guy suggested I tell the joke to him and he would translate and tell the Spanish guy.

A brilliant Plan, so we ploughed on.

I told the joke to the Portuguese guy, as follows:

“Two men walked into a bar, blah, blah!”

two men bar






The Portuguese guy looked back at me with a completely stony expression, sighed deeply, shrugged his shoulders, then turned to his friend and said:

“Dos senora’s entrar uno Bodega, etcetera, etcetera!”






When he finished the joke, the Spanish guy pissed himself laughing!

This is how the show progressed.

I would tell the joke, the Portuguese guy, singularly unimpressed would turn to the Spanish guy, tell him the joke and Spanish Guy would laugh, he was having a great time.

spanish laughing





I think I may have split the room.

But I enjoyed it immensely as well so two out of three ain’t bad.


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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 14 (Day Off) – Monday 17th August

The Mandatory Day Off

After doing shows at The Fringe for 13 straight days, the day off, in the middle, is needed.


By this point in the run, most people have done 11 shows, but I always do a couple more previews before the start of the Fringe itself and can honestly say it’s going well and all of my friends seem to be having a good time also.



The crappy weather hasn’t materialised, we had a bad July in Scotland but, so far August has been great, with only one day of bad weather that I can think of.

And Edinburgh is Jam Packed with people making it easier than normal to get a decent sized audience.

The Big Finish

I have found that I also have an additional bonus!

On Friday and Saturday nights, if I time it just right, I can get my show to finish with a bang as the Tattoo fireworks at the end of the early show go off just as my show finishes

“Ladies and Gentlemen did you enjoy the show?”

Rapturous Applause (obviously)







“Thank you and Goodnight, I have been Raymond Mearns”


The fireworks go off at that precise moment!


What a great sound effect for absolutely no outlay.

Makes up for the fact I have to park my car in Livingston as you can’t get near the Grassmarket for all the buses full of geriatrics!

Treating Myself

Anyway, Monday 17th is my day off and just as ladies might book a spa day or get some beauty treatments, on my day off, I pampered myself by driving to Aberdeen (a 318 mile round trip) to buy a second hand guitar from a guy on Gumtree!


It’s a Gibson Les Paul Custom!

Now for those of you unaccustomed to the vagaries’ of Les Paul Customs, it’s quite a nice guitar, though a few years old, but in good condition!

I have always wanted to own a Les Paul Custom and now I do. I RULE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gibson custom





When people find out that I play the guitar they often ask me “if I ever use the guitar in the act?”, and I always answer, “No!”

They ask “Why not?”

“Because I am shite!”

And now that I have a Les Paul Custom that would only raise expectations if I stepped onto a stage with this beast strapped to me.

People would gasp and say, “Fuck Me! Look, a Gibson Les Paul Custom, this guy must be amazing!”

jimmy page

The Les Paul would demand silence. A hush would descend upon the room and the audience would stare in silence, so silent you could hear a tenner drop.

Only for me to ruin the moment as I start playing and make this fine instrument sound like a glue sniffer’s banjo!

People point out that Les Dawson was a shite piano player and he used that in his act, not realising that to be as shite as Les Dawson required classical training!

les dawson






Anyway, I insist that I am not good enough, I mean it takes me all of my time to concentrate on the comedy, let alone worrying about if my guitar sounds okay or is in tune.

Furthermore, I think that maybe the guitar would only confuse things as I suspect that if I did use a guitar in the act I wouldn’t know if, when the audience laughs, they were laughing at the quality of my comedy or the shitey-ness of my guitar playing!



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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 13 – Sunday 16th August

A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Sunday was still a Fringe day! I went and did my show as usual at The Beehive Inn, in Edinburgh and it went well, though I spent most of today doing something, completely different!






Earlier today,  I started working on a speech based radio program on a community station just outside Glasgow.


radiohostMe and my good friend Bob Cochrane, who works as a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, have joined forces

to create; “Better Out Than In!”

“Better Out Than In!” is intended to be a light hearted show about a serious subject “talking therapies”!



It’s hoped we can use the programme as a way to spread the word about mental health issues and the need to face any emotional or psychological problems that people may face from time to time in their lives, especially Men!

john wayne

Big hard men from inner city areas who work hard and play hard and never bother to show their tender side or get emotional and would rather die than admit they maybe have an issue with relationships or substances or the way they traditionally handle problems in their lives!

Bob and I are hardly big hard men! Well we’re certianly big, you see we’re a pair of overweight, middle aged blokes who first met each other about twenty years ago when we were both field sales reps in the telecoms business!

raymond and bob

We have very similar backgrounds and at the time we were both married with kids and living a fairly normal life except that Bob was also a Clyde FC supporter so he always had more anxiety in his life.

Since then, we have both seen our marriages crumble to nothing and our careers change direction, I went full time as a stand-up comic and Bob went and got a psychology degree and trained as a counsellor.

Bob listens to his customers and I talk to my customers, when Bob’s customers pipe up it’s because they are maybe in some trouble and when mine pipe up then I am definitely in trouble!

I considered a career as a psychologist myself after my marriage failed in a bid to better understand my own beliefs and behaviours, but I doubt very much if I have the mind-set for it!

Nobody, who has ever seen me do stand-up comedy, especially when I compere shows, would ever in a million years believe I could be a counsellor.

Imagine, if I was a counsellor and I heard a hard luck story?

I would probably snort and say “that’s nothing mate, listen to this hard luck story, this happened to me! Now shut up and get a life!”


I don’t think that’s going to help very much!

I can safely say that I am no loss whatever to the counselling profession, Thank God!




The show takes the form of me and Bob talking about our troubles and Bob goes into the machanics of his profession, and helps us to understand the reasons why we feel the way we do and why we say and do the things that sometimes can be bad for us!

It’s a brilliant show and really helps me personally, to understand a lot more about issues surrounding, anxiety, anger, depression, addiction and the things related to that.

At the same time we hope that listeners to the show will maybe identify with some of the things they are hearing about and make a choice to face up to what ails them and hopefully, get the help that is available out there, to cope and manage things a bit better.

The show goes out every Sunday afternoon on Camglen Radio 107.9FM in Glasgow between 2pm and 3pm. However, if you are not within range of the transmitter, then fear not, you can also listen in on the web via www.camglenradio.org


Each week we hope to build on Bob’s knowledge and experience in a way that is informative and entertaining, we really hope you can tune in and join in by emailing us when we are on air if there is anything you feel you can contribute.

healthynhappyCamglen Radio is a community based radio station set up by Healthy n Happy, a community development trust whose primary purpose is to improve the lives of people living within the areas surrounding Rutherglen and Cambuslang!

You can find out more about Happy n Healthy by going to their website: http://www.healthynhappy.org.uk/



Despite the fact we were both nervous, as it was our first time live On Air, It was a good first show!


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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 12 – Saturday 15th August

Getting to the Halfway Stage

It’s the second Saturday of The Fringe and this means that after tonight we have two more Saturdays to go. It feels like we have been here forever and still have a mountain to climb!

mountain to climb

Today I was visited by a lovely lady who produces radio and TV programmes for the BBC! She has cast me in quite a number of things over the past few years and today we had a nice long chat after lunch just Me and Her and Her Indoors.

Earlier in the day, Me and Her Indoors, were driving through to Edinburgh and we were chatting about esoteric things such as the meaning of life and how we are the architects of our own destiny and all that sort of stuff.


The conversation focussed upon how we, as individuals, draw misfortune upon ourselves because of how we presume we are perceived, In a nutshell, I have issues in my life because I think I am not likeable!

All of the psychobabble aside, my understanding about where this comes from is that I was very ill as a baby and never got enough cuddles so, it follows, I believe that somehow I never deserved to get them and have carried this core belief into adulthood (wipes a tear from his eye).

the couch

When we met the TV producer, the conversation resumed and I then had two women, one either side, psycho-analysing me, it felt like I was getting ganged up on!




It’s curious that when you insert a hyphen into the above word they become the-rapists, because that’s what it feels like they are doing!

Sadly, I can’t go back in time and demand attention from my parents to fix all of these things so I just have to live with it.

time machine





As I get older, I recognise the irrationality of my core beliefs and for the most part I am getting better at overcoming it, but it never quite leaves you and your buttons can be pushed, especially on-stage!

Those who stare blankly

The show tonight was brilliant!

I didn’t do any flyering today as I didn’t want a cast of thousands disappointed at my door, and so only about thirty were turned away, the additional benefit of this no-flyering policy also meant that the majority of people in the room had intended to come and see my show in advance and were, well, Fans!







You see I am likeable, Get it right up ye!

Anyway there’s always one!

At every show there’s always one person, normally a dude, who sits there in the audience and never cracks a smile all night, it’s eerie!







The other sixty-odd people are laughing their heads off and pissing themselves, they are all animated and extremely happy, except this guy!

This guy, who sat in the second row tonight, with a beard (I am not saying he’s gay and the woman with him was his cover) No, I mean he was bearded, but more than this his face was cast in granite for the entire performance save for two or three occasions where he smirked.

bearded man

And despite the hoots of laughter all around the room, this guy’s face is the only face I can see!

You fixate on that face and that’s the face that pushes your buttons, inside you are saying: “Oh No he absolutely hates me, he hates how I look and he hates what I’m saying!

God Forbid, what if he is a reviewer?

If he is, my wee Glaswegian arse is grass!


What you gonna Do about It?


I am going to forget about it and follow the advice of a lovely wee lady I heard at a gig four weeks ago!

I was closing the Sunday Afternoon, kids show at The Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow (I know some of you at this point are thinking Kids in Glasgow must be hard as nails).

Trust me, I do this show often and they are always a delight, but don’t get in touch to try and book me for your kids birthday party, it’s not going to happen!

Anyway there was a young lady, in with her dad, she was about four or five years old and when one of the other comics asked how she should deal with some abuse she had suffered on twitter about her looks, this wee girl piped up and said: “Just think nice thoughts about yourself and you will be okay!”

Aahh (sighs contentedly)





I think I will leave things on that nice positive note!

Have a lovely Sunday.


PS. If you are at all interested, I will be doing a radio show on Sunday 16th August called “Better Out Than In” on Camglen Radio 107.9 FM in Glasgow or on the web http://www.camglenradio.org/ between 2pm and 3pm.

I am doing it in conjunction with my good friend of many years Bob Cochrane who is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and we will be talking about Therapy!


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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 11 – Friday 14th August

The Smell of Success

At the Fringe today I had the pleasure of guesting alongside Rod Hunter and Les Sinclair in their show “Old Men in Black” which is on every day at 2.40pm in The Beehive Inn.

The room was full and the audience demographic was mostly 50 +.


This made for a great gig as the audience had a better understanding of the material coming from three middle aged comics that they clearly identified with!

They call this demographic, the “Grey Pound”!


They’re all loaded and when we put the bucket out at the end we had a very nice surprise as the level of donations made the gig quite worthwhile.

We shared the money out and I was handed some notes, mainly fivers, and put these into my wallet, at the same time, I became aware of the stench of dampness or pish!whats that smell






I presumed it was coming from either Rod or Les, who had, just completed the gig and, clearly sweated for their grey pounds, though, being a well-mannered person I said nothing, reserving my comments instead till this moment for publication in my blog.

Rod, Les and I, parted ways and I thought nothing more of it until about 7.30 this evening when I noticed the same pishy damp smell again, this time, as I bought a bottle of water from the bar in The Beehive Inn.

nose peg

I got my bottle of water, put my wallet away and left the bar to do my show and forgot about it.

Until about 10.30pm when, at home, I opened my wallet to pay for some Indian food we had delivered to us.

There it was again, the stench of pish and dampness, it was coming from my wallet!



I took out the notes, about thirty pounds in total, all in fivers and there it was, the most disgusting, grubby, pish stained, Fiver I have ever seen.

It was absolutely Reekin’!

scabby fiver

I accept that the Grey Pound is a major part of the modern economy but for the love of God, do they really have to keep their money in their incontinence knickers?

Anyway, not to worry, by the time you read this it will be the Santander Bank’s problem!

The Audition Piece

Her Indoors helped me to produce a self-tape today for the purposes of securing an audition for a Feature film about to be shot in Ibiza, in September.

The character is a gun toting, drug dealing, Scottish criminal enforcer!

ganster with pistol






No acting required!

One particular scene had me pulling a gun on two other gangsters whilst delivering dialogue to camera.

To accomplish this I had to learn eight pages of script in the space of 90 minutes, set up a video camera and a tripod, source four different locations and find props such as an airsoft pistol, fake cigarettes and a bag of cocaine. (It’s amazing what’s avaialble on the streets of Edinburgh in August)

I then had to shoot each of the four scenes with Her Indoors delivering the other actors’ lines from behind the camera, upload the wee films onto my PC and then into dropbox for sending to my agent, who will then pass the link onto the Casting Director who, in turn, will decide if I am right for the part and then instruct my agent to ask me to attend an audition down in London, next week!

All in, the entire process took about seven hours of our time. We had to demonstrate significant directing, producing, and acting ability just to get the chance of being considered for a minor part in a low budget film!

movie mayhem





Talk about jumping through hoops!

jumping through hoops






des exposed

Today saw the first episode of Des Clarke Exposed broadcast on BBC Radio Scotland!

This is a six part comedy series incorporating stand-up and sketches written and performed by Des Clarke in front of a live Studio Audience.

I was also fortunate enough to be hired as a performer on this great show!

professor mearns

You can  listen live on BBC radio Scotland at 13.30 each Friday over the next six weeks, or listen to the repeated shows a few days after. Failing this you can click on the BBC i-player anytime to listen again.


Des will be exposing himself a lot through August and September, shame it’s on the radio, you will just have to use your imagination!

Here’s the link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b065xbd6

And here’s a link to a wee clip of the recording that we filmed:


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