Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 8 – Tuesday 11th August

No award is worth this!

The dream of any comedian who does the fringe is to win an award or at the very least be nominated.

The big one is the Fosters comedy award, which, in a previous incarnation was known as the Perrier Award.

fosters comedy award

These days there are about 25 awards going including; The Amused Moose Comedy Awards, The Malcolm Hardee Awards, Scotsman Fringe First’s and The Funniest Joke, to name but a few.

 

 

 

There is a new award this year as well, called; The Liftshare Fringe Award!

liftshareThe idea behind this award is to encourage people to save the planet by car sharing with other comics and make a wee comedy video whilst you are en-route to the Fringe!

I can honestly say I will not be in with a chance of winning this award as the idea of driving from Glasgow to Edinburgh every day with a comedian fills me with dread!

 

When you spend time in the company of comedians it’s painful, as a rule comedians are delusional, insecure and self-obsessed, the conversation normally takes the form of them talking about themselves and they only shut up when it’s your turn to talk about them!

shut up fool

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m no Charles Bukowski

charles bukowski

I normally write my blog’s at night and into the wee small hours, however, this particular one was written the following morning as I was a wee bit pished last night!

I can still write fairly lucidly when pished, however, my motor skills tend to get impaired so whilst I know what I am saying I have some difficulty typing it out!

Added to this, I am massively anally retentive and would never let something go out that was grammatically wanting, so I abandoned the blog and went to my Kip!

Many years ago I went to a restaurant with my ex-wife (she was my wife at the time) and it all kicked off!

We were having a very nice meal and at the end of the meal I had a few glasses of Talisker whisky.

When the bill came (£83) it was itemised and the whisky was described as a 12 year old, well anybody with half a brain knows that Talisker is a 10 year old so, when the waiter came back over to take the debit card payment I light-heartedly pointed out his mistake.

He looked at me as if I had just shat in his rameken (I had creme brulee for dessert) and said “Talisker is a twelve year old Sir!”

I was a bit taken aback by how rudetalisker he was and said “Okay calm down”

This just made him mad, he then said “What would you know about Whisky anyway?”

I retorted indignantly “As a Grade A Glesga Steamer! I know loads about whisky and good whisky as well coz I am pished regularly and spend big money in this pursuit, so I’m telling you, pal, go and get the bottle and I’ll prove it – Talisker is a ten year old”

 

Just then the other two waiters came over and the three of them ganged up on me!

The head waiter told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about and anyway, he was from Skye, where they make Talisker, so he should know and didn’t I know that this was a fine establishment and Arthur Montford used to eat here!

ganging up

 

 

 

 

 

I was absolutely fuckin livid at the way I was being treated so I only left them a 17 quid tip, serves the bastards right!

I bet Arthur Montford never left a 17 quid tip!

I got home after a massive argument with the wife in the taxi because, as was often the case in our marriage she always took the other party’s side against me, like when we got burgled it was my fault for having stuff!

 

nagging wifeAnyway, I went onto the restaurant’s website and started to type an email of complaint, I was fucking fuming and a bit pished so the email was difficult to type and I had to really concentrate to get it absolutely perfect!

 

After about 90 minutes the email was typed and by this point I had calmed down but sent it anyway.

The next day I got a reply from the manager who said he had heard about the fracas and said sorry. He had spoken to the staff and as a token of goodwill he had set aside a bottle of 12 year old Talisker for me!

I just left it!

case closed

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 7 – Monday 10th August

Reviews

In 21 years doing stand-up comedy (12 years as a professional) I don’t ever recall getting a five star review, until now!

Today I received a 5* review from www.gigglebeats.co.uk a website specialising in comedy in The North.

five stars

It’s great to get a five star review and whilst I have had a few four star reviews loads of three star reviews, I have had millions of shite reviews!

 

 

The worst one appeared on “The Page of Shame” in The Scotsman in 1997 where I was given one star!

shame

You cannot get less than this in a review, you get one star for turning up!

If the body of Richard Pryor was dug up and left lying onstage somewhere in Edinburgh then he would get one star, however. I can’t help thinking that some sycophantic pretentious wank-pot will probably give him another star for his stillness and composure on stage!

Thankyou Mr Innes McQuillan of Gigglebeats, may this be the first of many more.

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2015/08/edinburgh-fringe-review-raymond-mearns-is-growing-old-disgracefully/

gigglebeats

 

 

 

Making a Living

Doing a Free show at The Fringe is wonderful, there is the minimum of expense that is usually associated with doing a show in the traditional way, but the problem comes when I have to go to the bank with five hundredweight of change!

A-pile-of-cash.-008

 

 

A large number of people put notes into the bucket at the end of every show, however, there are quite a few who put coins into the bucket and, being a responsible adult (insofar as I have bills to pay), I have to pay my earnings into the bank!

The boys and girls at my local branch of Santander are very understanding and have a wee smile when I come in rattling from all the change in my rucksack, I suspect they think I am a pretty harmless nutter at the best of times.

The advantage of all the coins is that the bag weighs a ton thus rendering you virtually “mugger proof.”

heavy bag

Anybody running past and grabbing the bag would immediately crash to the floor under its weight!

I am very grateful for the donations and it’s a great way to make a living although there are one or two shameless tossers who seem to have no problem putting small amounts of loose change into my bucket at the end of a show.

 

It happened tonight, this young guy came up with 10p in his hand!

ten pence

 

 

 

 

 

 

I said “Are you fuckin’ kidding?”

He said “Can I have change please”

Now that’s what I call a left turn, this guy’s a comedy genius!

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 6 – Sunday 9th August

Beating a Hasty Retreat

I suppose one thing about being a relatively unknown comedian in this world is that sometimes people can come to your show at The Fringe and have no idea who you are or what your attitude or material is like.

alan carr

frankie boyle

 

 

 

 

lee evans
john bishop

 

 

 

 

 

For famous comedians that’s not really an issue, I suppose there are people who prefer Alan Carr to Frankie Boyle or Lee Evans to John Bishop and as such would go to see their preferred comedian with a certain degree of certainty about what they are likely to encounter.

Tonight at the Fringe a wee man in a red T-shirt and a bum bag came in, on his own, and took a seat along with the rest of this evening’s audience!

belgium

I came on and started my show as usual and tonight there were some Belgian students in so we had a bit of improvised banter back and forth which the vast majority of the audience enjoyed, judging by the laughs, but not this wee man!

 

 

 

No! He got up abruptly at the mention of a certain Mr Jimmy Saville’s name and made straight for the door!

running away

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard Time

I don’t get that many walkout’s but when I do I always feel a bit disappointed but it’s not normally that much of an issue.

However, there was one particular walkout that was quite memorable.

It occurred at Saughton Prison in Edinburgh a few years ago, and it was during the fringe.

It was just after the Gilded Balloon burned down and they were desperate for venue spaces!

No but, seriously!

I was booked, along with a few others, to do a gig for the inmates!

I have done quite a few shows in prisons and normally they’re great shows and the inmates really seem to appreciate them, well I suppose they don’t get out that much!

On this particular occasion, right in the middle of my set, one of the inmates got up and said “Fuck this, this guy’s shite, I want to go back in my cell”

The prison officers had no choice but to let him leave the room and escort him back to his cell because, as it was explained to me later, that to make him stay would have been a violation of his human rights.

Howzat for a recommendation, a man would rather be dubbed up in prison 23 hours a day than watch me do my comedy!

in jail

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sleeping Beauty

And that’s not all that happened tonight.

Apart from the wee red t-shirt man I had a pished up old MILF fall asleep on me and all of this happened within the first ten minutes of the show!

At the point where I noticed the lady was asleep I had been talking about drinking and dying in my sleep and a few in the room thought the old bird had expired!

There was silence for about 20 seconds and just in the same way an old person wakes up the minute you switch off their telly, she woke up and said “Raymond I love you, do you want my phone number?”

We all heaved a huge sigh of relief and the gig faltered on toward it’s inexorable conclusion!

At the end she wouldn’t leave until I took a note of her number!

So I took her number, out of politeness, and she left!

She must be a really deep sleeper though.

At the time of writing, it’s now 2.54am on Monday morning and the old bint hasn’t answered a single one of my calls all night!

Fuckin Old Cock Teaser!

drunk old lady

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 5 – Saturday 8th August

Sex and Death

It’s the first Saturday of the Fringe and the streets are full of people eager to see something and by extension, it’s not too difficult to attract enough souls for a full house!

flyering 1

 

flyering 2

My show this year is, as usual, confessional in nature and takes the form of a series of anecdotes peppered with as many left turns and call backs as possible, It’s called “Growing Old Disgracefully”. The title giving you an insight, hopefully, into the theme of the show.

The theme is important, but the title is the hook, and a great title can attract an audience!

Comedy is about the funny side of tragedy, it’s about pain and misfortune, nobody can be arsed listening to someone talking about how great their life is, the bad stuff is far more compelling!

And the more salacious and tragic, the better and if you have a gimmick as well, then you’re halfway home.

Shows such as; “Shaggers” where comedians tell sex stories and “Comedians Death Stories” where they talk about dying on their arse on stage are popular with audiences because they are based on truth (well the death stories definitely are anyway, I don’t know many comedians who get loads of sex) and this year at the Fringe there is “The naked stand-up” I think I have an idea what that’s about, but knowing my luck when I go along to see it, for purely artistic reasons, it will probably be a dude!

shaggers

comedy death

naked stand-up

 

 

 

 

 

Street Performers and a load of Pants

Everybody is hustling, if they’re not doing a show they are escaping from strait-jackets on the royal mile, juggling fire or being a statue. And then there are the buskers, and they seem to do very well in a short space of time.

street performer

statue

busker

 

 

 

 

 

 

This year halfway up the Grassmarket there is even a lady sitting with a typewriter offering to write you a page of instant smut tailored to your particular perversion!

 

 

You can make money doing anything at The Fringe and this was confirmed when a middle aged woman stood across from the Beehive Inn and offered to flash her knickers for a pound a time! She was doing a roaring trade and made about a hundred pounds, which she will need to pay the fine, as her performance was cut short when she got jailed for indecency.

female flasher

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Night’s all Right for fighting

My room was full on Saturday, as it often is thankfully, but it can sometimes be difficult when you have to tell prospective audience members there’s no more seats.

Being a Z list Scottish celebrity I sometimes have hordes of people (at least a dozen) up sticks and come through to Edinburgh just to see my show and when you have to tell them we’re full and they cannot get into a show, that’s free, they kick-off!

It’s the perfect way to prepare for an hour of gentle story-telling, rolling about with a handful of angry drunks but I have to say that Her Indoors handles things brilliantly as she is from Motherwell and can fight like fuck!

bar fight

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 4 – Friday 7th August

D-DAY – The Battle Officially Commences

I am guilty as charged of perpetrating a falsehood – many of you will have been under the impression that the Fringe had actually started with the commencement of this blog three days ago, but unfortunately, that is not the case!

Today is D-Day! The official start of The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, and Edinburgh, or as I like to call it “London’s Loft Conversion” will be, for the next 24 days; a fuckin “Loony Bin”

Every deluded, self-obsessed, wank-pot with, an excessive emotional hole to fill, has descended upon our Nation’s (sic) capital to “do a turn” and I am no exception!

edinburgh fringe

 

 

 

 

Post Referendum Paranoia

And this includes a load of wankers from the press!

I was accosted this evening by a journalist from The Spectator asking me if there was going to be another referendum. And, being a delusional cross dressing stunt double for Nicola Sturgeon I answered, in my best Kenny Dalglish voice; mibbes aye, mibbes naw!

dalglish

Being a humourless cunt and affecting an air of spasmodic retardation he asked me what I meant?

I then said, in the words of one of my all time favourite movie character’s, Jimmy Rabbite, from the commitments; “I’m fucked if I know”

jimmy rabbite

 

 

 

 

 

 

I then threw the question back at him!

I asked him what he thought, and he said, “As a Journalist – HE DIDN’T HAVE AN OPINION”

He said he was merely “A WINDOW THROUGH WHICH PEOPLE COULD SEE THE TRUTH” at which point I said that “I was the brick that was going to get put through that window if he didn’t FUCK OFF!”

smashed window

 

 

 

 

The Best Of Scottish Comedy

The said journalist, whose name was Lloyd (never gave me his surname) approached me as I was doing the MC shift at The Best of Scottish Comedy at the Stand Comedy Club.

I am honoured to be the first MC at the first show in the Fringe 2015 run of “The Best of Scottish” at The Stand – Scotland’s National Theatre of Stand Up Comedy and incidentally the operators of one of the finest comedy clubs in the UK, if not the World – The Stand Comedy Club in Glasgow!

the stand logo

 

 

 

 

Tonight’s show was sensational and with Fern Brady, John Gillick and Gary Little doing the spots.

fern brady

john gillick

gary little

 

 

 

Great comedians and great friends, especially big Gary, who I had the pleasure of going on tour with to Thailand in 2012

The Love Boat

We did some corporate gigs and some club gigs and we made it our mission, across the seven days, to “Mooch” a free evening meal every night of the tour.

In the first five days we had a ball. We got well fed every night in restaurants and hotel’s operated by friends of the promoter.

Night number 5 was the big “Saint Andrews Society” main sponsors dinner and we had everything from rolls and square sausage, through to curry and then onto deep fried Mars Bars (it’s a Scottish thing), but the next night was our night off and we were to be left to our own devices! Subway Beckoned.

The Saint Andrews Society are a charitable body and, as expected, held a charity raffle, and Big Gary won a prize! It was a meal for two on the Couple’s in Love Dining Cruise on Bangkok’s Chao Phraya River!

love boat dinner

 

 

 

 

 

So there was me and Big Gary on this Bangkok “Love Boat” eating an amazing five course exotic / erotic meal surrounded by hundreds of married western tourist couples and do you know the weirdest thing about this?

We were the only couple having a conversation.

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 3 – Thursday 6th August

In Memoriam

George Cole aka Arfur Daley in Minder passed away today in the same week as poor old Cilla Black – the 80’s was my era and (whilst Cilla really made her bones in the 60’s and George was Flash Harry in St Trinians in 19 fuckin canteen) they were both two of the most famous faces of the 1980’s

Apart from all the TV presenting paedophiles, who else was big in the 80’s?

Ronald Reagan, Thatcher and Adam Ant, fuck me they are all either dead, bad or Mad!

Lost and Found

Her Indoors, (my girlfriend Ann) told me that a guy in her work had found a phone outside his house as he made his way to work this morning, and presumed it belonged to one or other of his neighbours.

He tried to turn the phone on and found that the battery was drained so he brought it into the work and charged it! Once charged he turned it on, trying to find any information about the devices owner, maybe a selfie in the photo file gallery perhaps

They went into the gallery and all that there was were five cock pictures! It was by all accounts quite a magnificent member but insufficient as a means of identification, and in any case didn’t really narrow things down as there are two Willie’s a Boaby and loads of Dick’s living in his block.

Upon further investigation, the owner’s identity was arrived at by a scan of the address book and it was decided that, naturally, the phone would be returned to its owner, who as it turns out works away a lot and lives with his mother, but not before setting one of the cock pictures up as the devices screen saver.

Meanwhile back at The Fringe

What a beautiful day it was today in Edinburgh! The sun shone and it was busy on the Grassmarket and all the flyering has started in earnest!

There are competitions for the best poster and the best flyer as well as the many other competitions at the Fringe and some amazing designs can be seen, but one particular design by Bruce Fummey, or rather his son Zack, is causing some concern.

bruce fummey beehive

 

 

 

 

 

Bruce Fummey has a mock up of a Royal bank of Scotland 10 Pound note!

tenner front1

It’s probably illegal to start off with but that’s not the problem!

tenner back1

 

 

The problem is that some of them are ending up in my fuckin’ bucket!

There are enough tight wads coming to see “Free show’s” without giving them the where with all to fuck off without paying!

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 2 – Wednesday 5th August

A wee bit of recognition

We are well and truly in the swing and what a nice surprise it was, this morning, to find that I have been given a nice write up in www.chortle.co.uk, the UK’s biggest comedy website

I have always felt like a bit of an outsider at the Festival and this seems to confirm the reasons why!

Under the Heading Edinburgh 10 x 10s, Chortle gives a number of lists of ten things to do with The Fringe e.g. 10 Award Winners, 10 Theatre Shows, etc, (the link is below) and I have been included in a list of 10 Circuit Stalwarts!

It is generally accepted within the industry that there is divide between “Edinburgh Acts” and “Circuit Acts”, the difference being and I quote:  “The latter get often difficult rooms full of people howling with laughter over a 20-minute set every Friday and Saturday night, but often don’t get the critical acclaim of the festival darlings, who typically use their hours to offer something more emotional, theatrical or artistically daring.”

You can view the article via the following link:

http://www.chortle.co.uk/features/2015/07/21/22870/2._ten_circuit_stalwarts

Or to put it another way; what’s the difference between an Edinburgh Act and A Circuit Act?

A middle class accent!

Still it’s nice to be recognised occasionally by the UK comedy industry’s biggest  website.

In the meantime I will be searching the inetrnet for a good deal Elocution Lessons

“How now ya big broon Cow!”

Tropical Storm my arse!

(or, dear Mr BBC Weatherman, I doubt the credulity of your forecasts)

The weather forecast said it was likely to resemble “Tropical Storm” conditions in Edinburgh today so I didn’t bother packing my sunglasses, but I should have!

It was lovely on the road through and by a miracle it only rained during my show between 7.55pm and 8.55pm.tropical storm

I am telling you, I have a charmed life, and this was confirmed earlier, when I got the Park and Ride, bought my ticket and the tram turned up almost immediately and the front seat behind the driver was free Again!

 

Selling the Show

I got to the Grassmarket and it wasn’t very busy. Maybe I had arrived too late for the tropical storm that had chased everyone away, but despite this I got down to selling my show.

With a bunch of flyers in hand I not only give them out but, as I had mentioned yesterday, I actually engage the people, and this is the best way to build an audience.

Most acts at The Fringe don’t like doing their own flyering and I understand the reasons why!

In their mind they are thinking that the public will perceive them as being desperate or so low rent that they cannot afford the proper publicity and proper flyering teams.

In the old days I felt the same way, you felt that it demeaned you and this affected how you operated, the person taking the flyer would see you were a bit uneasy as well and this just compounded the problem!

You were more or less saying “I feel shit about this situation, I am embarrassed, come and see my show that I am feeling shit and embarrassed about”!

In the old days I would also have loads of posters printed at an enormous cost and would then walk around the city putting them up in shops, takeaways, barbers, tattoo studios, even in the bars on the Pubic Triangle and they never, ever worked!

I would also buy a bucket, brush and some paste and illegally fly post early on Sunday mornings and all I ever got from that was a load of hassle of the Police and fined!

flyposting

the judge

 

 

 

 

 

As well as posters, I also got 5000 flyers printed and would pay others to hand them out, or bin them when my back was turned.

a bin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Either way it cost me loads of money and never had any discernible benefit!

These days I don’t bother with posters and since 2013 I have only used half of the 5000 flyers, which is my normal amount ordered. They usually come in two boxes, but, for the past two years I haven’t needed to open the second box.

I do my own flyering, I meet people on the street, I get to know them a little and they get to know me and these days I make a decent living at the Fringe as opposed to the old days when I would end up in debt after chopping down half of Finland for paper!

Come and say hello if you see me flyering outside The Beehive Inn on The Grassmarket!

the beehive

 

 

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Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – DAY 1 – Tuesday 4th August

Countdown to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Some Back Story

I have always had a bit of a love hate relationship with The Fringe, insofar as I loved it at first, then I progressively, year on year, started to hate it and then, since 2012 fell madly in love with it again.

The reason, FREE SHOW!

Well when we say Free at the Fringe we mean it’s free to get in but you have to pay to get out!

With a FREE SHOW, I now, miraculously seem to be able to make as much from the Fringe as I do from doing the UK comedy circuit the rest of the year, instead of the historical model where you went to Edinburgh, did your show every night to a decent sized audience and then ended up in debt!

Added to this you probably also got a bad review and so, on top of being skint, some journalist tells the world you’re a useless fanny to boot!

In the old days a bad review was tomorrow’s fish and chip paper but in the internet age you’re a useless fanny for life!

These days, this useless fanny prefers to get paid! (Occasionally)?

Meanwhile – Sometime earlier in the Year

2015 has been an interesting year. More than usual it has been up and it has been down, but two big things happened that made me question myself.

First of all, I went to The Melbourne International Comedy Festival and was handed my arse and then my BBC Radio Scotland series “Planet Mearns” got cancelled!

Melbourne was a dream opportunity.

I was given my own space in a One Hundred Seater Venue, Free Accommodation and some additional shows to sustain me with the odd 50 dollars here and there. If it was anything like my recent Edinburgh Experiences, then everything should have been sweet, except for one thing!

The venue was in the arse end of nowhere.

It was called “The Red Violin”. It was previously located on Bourke Street, which is one of the main shopping streets running from the centre of Melbourne into China Town with plenty of footfall on the street, however, in early 2015, the owners decided to re-locate to a lane that nobody had ever heard of and with nothing else in it!

I had a feeling something wasn’t quite right when, on the very first day, I asked two delivery drivers and a Cop directions to McKillop Street and none of them had a fuckin Scooby doo!

Added to this the venue owners and the producers of my show, between them, neglected to tell Google maps about the change of address, they also forgot to tell the festival organizers, who printed the programme, about the new address as well as the box office, and festival information office who made up the map showing the venue locations!

Melbourne Tourist information didn’t know either!

My biggest audience was 11 and this was achieved at the end of the first week after flyering for four hours every day outside the Town Hall!

By the end of the second week I had lost £2500 so I accepted defeat and bought myself out of the remaining two weeks of my contract.

When I got home, I was told that BBC Radio Scotland had cancelled Planet Mearns!

I had previously understood, from my production company, that we had a commitment to make four episodes after completing a pilot in January 2014 and a Christmas Special that was broadcast at 5pm on Christmas Day 2014!

Happy days!

I felt that I had failed in some way, I started to think “I am not talented enough or funny enough or I don’t work hard enough, what a useless fanny!”

I had become that bad parent! I listened to that inner voice and for a while I really questioned my appetite to carry on in comedy and asked if I was really cut out for this business?

And as difficult as this was for me, I take it as a sign of some personal growth or something because for reasons unknown I simply accepted the facts of the situation and thought; Fuck It!

Let’s go back to the Fringe!

Fast Forward

Dateline – Monday 3rd August 2015 – 1 day to the first preview show in Edinburgh

Now there are people in this business we call show who have lots of people who do everything for them; agents, managers, publicists and masseurs, et al, but me, I only have my inner demons!

I am always really excited about the fringe, but also fearful that; nobody will come to my shows, or the weather will be rubbish, or roadworks at Livingston! You know, all of these things that can turn a bad Fringe into a terrible Fringe!

I don’t have a manager, my agent is an actor’s agent and whilst massaging myself, one fine day, I decided that I needed some publicity.

Easy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facebook!!!!!!!!!!!!

Previously, on the 23rd July, I changed my facebook cover photo to a photo of my Fringe 2015 Flyer

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153494462982442&set=a.10150812256757442.462607.648347441&type=1&theater

All I had to do now, was augment this awesome piece of marketing!

So at 3.27pm on August 3rd I posted the details of the show on my Facebook timeline!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153518340632442&set=a.10150443371197442.412469.648347441&type=1&theater

The Publicity was out there. The word was on the street, I had told the half dozen or so weirdo’s who are obsessed with me all about it!

Job Done!

Dateline – Monday 4th August 2015 – Day of the first Preview Show at The Beehive

As you can no doubt deduce, from the previous paragraph, my preparation is thorough!

I am incredibly anxious about how I look when I perform at the fringe in the first week, so the first thing I do is buy some new shirts.

Being a bit of a fat bastard, I often have that thing where I take a shirt out of the wardrobe that I haven’t worn for a while (maybe a week) and find that I am bursting out of it. So, a few massive shirts are required to reduce the appearance of bulk on stage.

Six shirts in total, two from Marks and Spencer and four from Tesco, I was going to go to Primark, but Tesco were giving them away!

Next Up, I had to make sure I had all of the equipment, necessary for the execution of a successful run at the Fringe

As well as six new shirts I needed

1 x Waterproof Ruck Sack

1 x Pair Waterproof Training Shoes

1 x Kagoule (that bamboozled the spell checker)

(It rains like fuck in Edinburgh in the summertime)

1 x home-made BLT sandwich on toasted Brown Bread with mozzarella

1 x Bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos

2 x Bananas

(I get hungry and can make a better sandwich than Subway when I put my mind to it)

5 x Clean T-Shirts

1 x Pair of Clean Underpants

(It might be pissing it down, but it’s muggy, you sweat like a pound of semtex in that wee room at the top of The Beehive)

24 x bottles of mineral water

1 x Cheap compact Disc Player

(some dirty fucker stole my son’s ipod during the run in 2012)

30 x C type batteries for The CD player

(I bought it in a target store in Melboure and don’t have an Aussie to UK, adaptor for the plug)

1 x Vanilla coloured Plastic Bucket

If you do a free show you need a bucket!

I have used that same vanilla coloured plastic bucket since 2012.

That bucket and me are inseparable!

bucket

 

I bought it on the very first day of the very first preview of my very first FREE SHOW “Rock N Roll Comedian – The Therapy Sessions” back in late July 2012 and it was the best £1.99 I have ever spent.

The price tag is still on the bucket! I got it from “Baillieston Hardware, Main Street, Baillieston Glasgow and I have never looked back! If you are ever in the market for a bucket then get along to Baillieston Hardware!

https://plus.google.com/117286356356681947468/about?hl=en

I have checked and this google listing is correct!

When you go to get your bucket, tell them I sent you and they’ll probably give you the same look I saw when I asked for directions to McKillop street in Melbourne, but at least you will be in the right place, happy bucket hunting!

By 3pm on Tuesday 4th August all kit was assembled and correct

I was now ready to set out for Edinburgh

My plan this year is to drive along The M8 from Glasgow to Edinburgh and use the Park and Ride Facilities at Ingliston, near the airport, and from there get the Tram into the city.

I love the trams they are only £3.50 return and I don’t have to worry about parking charges in the city, which, by the way are horrendous!

I addition, driving in Edinburgh is a nightmare, especially at Fringe time as every fuckwit and his brother are riding around on tandems dressed as clowns blowing on a Kazoo!

The great thing about the Trams in Edinburgh is that none of the locals ever seem to use them!

I have a theory that; this is because, they waited so long for them to be completed and moaned that fucking much about them, then to actually use them would seem like a betrayal.

So do yourself a favour. Use the trams, they’re always empty, so empty in fact that, on more than a few occasions, I have been able to sit right up at the front and pretend I am the driver.

#livingthedream

Thirty minutes after leaving my street in the East End of Glasgow (don’t judge me, I went to Uni) I arrived at the park and ride in Ingliston.

I bought an all-day ticket (allowing me to use both bus and tram) for £4.00.

Now I would not normally do this I would simply pay £3.50 for the tram return but looking back I knew the universe was looking after me, because when I got to the tram stop all services were “TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED”. One Tram had broken down and the entire network was Gubbed!

It was chaos!

I had to get a number 35 Bus!

It was mobbed! There were already dozens of people with suitcases on the bus who, had come from the Airport and who would otherwise have gotten the tram and the driver wasn’t happy.

I got on the bus and the driver said “Fuckin Trams! Look at all these cunts with their cases, best of luck trying to find a seat son!”

I only had designs on one of two seats, the front two on the top deck, I’m going to drive the bus (make a nice wee change), but there were “cunts up there, with cases” as well!

I eventually got into Edinburgh City Centre and arrived at The Beehive Inn at 5pm (45 minutes behind schedule)

http://www.taylor-walker.co.uk/pub/beehive-inn-lothian/s9884/

The key to the success of my shows in Edinburgh is that I do my own flyering.

These days’ people don’t expect to see acts handing out flyers for their own shows let alone be actually stopped and engaged in conversation by the act about the show.

This is what I do and it works!

I can make people laugh, and if you can make them laugh on the street in front of the venue then they are fairly certain you can make them laugh inside as part of the audience

If they don’t come along that night, I often find that they turn up a day or two later!

And turn up tonight they did!

I got a very nice audience tonight for my preview show and made a couple of quid at the end as well.

The show itself is mostly there but will take another two days to really bed in, as it’s an amalgam of material I have been doing on the UK circuit for the past 12 months, it just has to be a wee bit more connected.

Hope to see you all down at The Beehive Inn

In the meantime I will continue to update you on my adventures at The Fringe

 

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Edinburgh Fringe Show 2015 – Growing Old Disgracefully

It’s August again and that means The Edinburgh Festival Fringe is upon us once more!!!

Announcing my 2015 Edinburgh Fringe Solo Comedy show:
“Growing Old Disgracefully” will be playing at The Beehive Inn, Grassmarket

between 7th and 31st August (not 17th), and starts each night at 7.55pm

Previews begin on Tuesday 4th August until Thursday 6th August

As usual this will be a free / bucket show.
This means that it’s free to get in, but you will be expected to make a donation at the end.

Please note if you wish come along on a Friday or Saturday then the room often fills up very quickly, so the best thing to do is to get along early and this should ensure you get a seat, though it’s never guaranteed.

https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on…
Flyer- white

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Melbourne International Comedy Festival – March 25th till 18th April 2015

Announcing my first ever visit to the Melbourne International Comedy Festival!

The first show will be on Wednesday 25th March and runs every day except Mondays till Saturday 18th April.

To Purchase Tickets for this great show please follow the link:

http://www.tixnofee.com/listing.php?showid=460

poster3

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