Raking It In!
Everybody seems to agree that the Fringe this year is busier than the last few years and that’s great.
Edinburgh always has a great vibe at Fringe time and the weather, thus far, has been glorious, however, and I dont wish to put the voodoo onto anyone, are we about to hit the wall?
The school holidays are over and the weather is forecast to be “shite!” (It’s a term meteorologists use to describe a Scottish summer).
A Scottish Summer
Now for some Positivity!!
Audiences do seem to be bigger and more people are on the street and this is really encouraging, added to which, I have just received the second of two statements from BECS (British Equity Collecting Society) telling me that I have earned an income from royalties on television shows and films I have appeared in, in the past, that have been repeated all around the world!
Fuck Me! Have I hit the big Time?
I am advised that I have earned the princely sum of 8p, owing to the fact that someone has watched an episode of Rab C Nesbitt on Netflix in Venezuela within the past twelve months!
To that man in Venezuela;
I will tell you this, ya bammy Venezuelan walloper!
I salute you! Thank you for choosing to view one of the two Rab C Nesbitt episodes I appeared in.
And, as if that was not enough of the International Globetrotting Actory Pish.
I seem to be making a splash (no pun intended) in Belgium, where £1.32 was earned in royalties, from a rerun of Rebus!
Is it just me or does a “rerun of rebus” sound like a gastric calamity?
Go on say it! A Rerun of Rebus, a Rerun of Rebus…. oh, okay on with the blog.
Notwithstanding, £1.40 is better than a kick in the clackers!
What is it my old mother always says? “Money goes to Money” – Kerching!!!!
Now excuse me whilst I fuck off down to the cashpoint!
Talking of my dear Old Mother, the ubiquitous yet dear departed, Frank McCourt once wrote; “a mother’s love is a blessing” and with this sentiment, I absolutely concur!
She’s a diamond, my Old Dear!
She’s 74 years old and hobbling on an arthritic knee, but she can still clean my house from top to bottom, although, admittedly, with the disabilities these days, it takes her fuckin ages!
She called me today and asked if she could come through to see me at The Fringe.
I always say No. Partly because I can probably do without the responsibility of trying to sell my show and look after her needs at the same time but the real reason is because, when she does come to my shows, she heckles me so much that I absolutely and spectacularly die on my arse!
Now, anyone who has ever seen me do my schtick will tell you that I “am great with hecklers!” I can shoot them down easily, but how can I shoot down my own mother, well I have a go but when I do, her comebacks are devastating!
Comebacks like “Don’t you talk to me like that! I’m your mother, you’re not that big you can’t get your arse leathered” or the classic during my 2012 Fringe show “You’re a lying bastard, you never ended the marriage! She left you! Because you’re a fat alky!”
At this point I tried to appeal to the better angels of her nature
“Mum! Please! For god’s sake, I’m dying here!”
And she came back by standing up and addressing the whole room
“He was that pished it took him a week to notice”
“She’s lying, it was only four days, five at the most”
The rebuttal was too little too late, the crowd were ecstatic, it was comedy gold.
It must run in the family.
I mean, what a double act that would be, If only you could script it?
She is adamant, however, that she is coming through to The Fringe!
So, I will let you all know the date, so you can come along and bear witness to an hour of unconscious comedy greatness!
Being heckled by your mum is the exception to the rule, you cannot be horrible to your mum, it’s against the rules of humanity.
You can be horrible to somebody else’s mum, that’s within the rules, but make sure the cunt’s not in the room with her as that can be a problem, especially in Paisley (but that’s a story for a later blog so stay tuned!)
When you get heckled, you are being challenged!
You are the guy onstage!
The guy in the arena, all pumped up!
Full of piss and vinegar!
You’re the fuckin man!
The alpha male!
Have I made my point?
When you’re heckled and the crowd laugh, with the heckler, then you better come back with a show stopper or you’re dead in the water!
Some of the best heckles that I have ever heard of are as follows:
Phil Jupitus (great comedian and somewhat portly fellow) is onstage talking about the traffic helicopter reporting on a traffic jam going into the Blackwell tunnel and wondered what could be causing the gridlock, when a guy shouted “you got stuck in it Mate!
Audience 1 Comedians 0
A comedian whose name escapes me said onstage, whilst dying on his arse, at The Stand in Glasgow: “What am I? Fuckin invisible!” Only for an audience member to pipe up “Who said That?”
Audience 2 Comedians 0
Or possibly the best one I ever heard about was when the late, Eric Douglas, God rest his sweet soul, was onstage at The Comedy Store in London!
Eric Douglas was one of the sons of the legendary Hollywood actor Kirk Douglas, famous for many roles including Spartacus!
Eric is onstage at The Store. He is being heckled by the audience and not taking it too well at which point he says “how dare you heckle me, don’t you know that I am Kirk Douglas’ son?” At that point, with impeccable comic timing an audience member stood up and said “No I am Kirk Douglas’s son” only to be followed by a second audience member who stood up and repeated the phrase. Replicating the famous “I am Spartacus” scene from his Dad’s most iconic of movies! Poor Old Eric was fucked!
Audience 4 Comedians 0
PS. Did you know that the collective noun for comedians is “A Heckle of Comedians”?
You see, you learn things on this blog, “Every Day is a School day”