Edinburgh Fringe 2015 – Daily Blog – Day 8 – Tuesday 11th August

No award is worth this!

The dream of any comedian who does the fringe is to win an award or at the very least be nominated.

The big one is the Fosters comedy award, which, in a previous incarnation was known as the Perrier Award.

fosters comedy award

These days there are about 25 awards going including; The Amused Moose Comedy Awards, The Malcolm Hardee Awards, Scotsman Fringe First’s and The Funniest Joke, to name but a few.




There is a new award this year as well, called; The Liftshare Fringe Award!

liftshareThe idea behind this award is to encourage people to save the planet by car sharing with other comics and make a wee comedy video whilst you are en-route to the Fringe!

I can honestly say I will not be in with a chance of winning this award as the idea of driving from Glasgow to Edinburgh every day with a comedian fills me with dread!


When you spend time in the company of comedians it’s painful, as a rule comedians are delusional, insecure and self-obsessed, the conversation normally takes the form of them talking about themselves and they only shut up when it’s your turn to talk about them!

shut up fool







I’m no Charles Bukowski

charles bukowski

I normally write my blog’s at night and into the wee small hours, however, this particular one was written the following morning as I was a wee bit pished last night!

I can still write fairly lucidly when pished, however, my motor skills tend to get impaired so whilst I know what I am saying I have some difficulty typing it out!

Added to this, I am massively anally retentive and would never let something go out that was grammatically wanting, so I abandoned the blog and went to my Kip!

Many years ago I went to a restaurant with my ex-wife (she was my wife at the time) and it all kicked off!

We were having a very nice meal and at the end of the meal I had a few glasses of Talisker whisky.

When the bill came (£83) it was itemised and the whisky was described as a 12 year old, well anybody with half a brain knows that Talisker is a 10 year old so, when the waiter came back over to take the debit card payment I light-heartedly pointed out his mistake.

He looked at me as if I had just shat in his rameken (I had creme brulee for dessert) and said “Talisker is a twelve year old Sir!”

I was a bit taken aback by how rudetalisker he was and said “Okay calm down”

This just made him mad, he then said “What would you know about Whisky anyway?”

I retorted indignantly “As a Grade A Glesga Steamer! I know loads about whisky and good whisky as well coz I am pished regularly and spend big money in this pursuit, so I’m telling you, pal, go and get the bottle and I’ll prove it – Talisker is a ten year old”


Just then the other two waiters came over and the three of them ganged up on me!

The head waiter told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about and anyway, he was from Skye, where they make Talisker, so he should know and didn’t I know that this was a fine establishment and Arthur Montford used to eat here!

ganging up






I was absolutely fuckin livid at the way I was being treated so I only left them a 17 quid tip, serves the bastards right!

I bet Arthur Montford never left a 17 quid tip!

I got home after a massive argument with the wife in the taxi because, as was often the case in our marriage she always took the other party’s side against me, like when we got burgled it was my fault for having stuff!


nagging wifeAnyway, I went onto the restaurant’s website and started to type an email of complaint, I was fucking fuming and a bit pished so the email was difficult to type and I had to really concentrate to get it absolutely perfect!


After about 90 minutes the email was typed and by this point I had calmed down but sent it anyway.

The next day I got a reply from the manager who said he had heard about the fracas and said sorry. He had spoken to the staff and as a token of goodwill he had set aside a bottle of 12 year old Talisker for me!

I just left it!

case closed

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